inspiration

I frequently wonder (and worry) that people will find it "weird" that I've been inspired by them in some way.

As if they know I had them in mind when making a character or when developing a plot point, as if it's not a normal human thing to take what we see in the world and form it into something new through creation. There is always this icky feeling in the back of my head that I'm doing something wrong when I do that, when I'm inspired by someone else.

I always blame my dad for that icky feeling. He's been gone 5 years now, but he was the first person to shame me for my interests. Plenty others have since, I was a lonely teenager with too much time to dedicate to random bullshit, of course I was gonna get told off for it, but it hurts so much more when it's a parent telling you your interests are too intense.

And I can't help it. Sometimes I get really locked onto something and I just can't let it go. I feed from it like a leech to fuel my creations, I use it until it's completely dry and I'm ready for the next victim.

I used to be very open with my interests back then, back when I was a kid and it hadn't yet hit me that the world didn't want to hear what I had to say. Now I'm fighting that feeling, the feeling that I'm annoying others, the feeling that everyone else thinks I'm a creep or a loser or an obsessed little freak, I fight back against that feeling and I pull something beautiful out of it every time.

Nobody knows my current obsessions. Nobody knows the names of my muses.

And here's the beautiful thing at the end, the really freeing part I need to constantly remind myself of; nobody even cares.